很久很久没有来这里了，有几年了吧。又到了一个新地方，开始一段新生活。Derby算是我居住过的最丑陋和无聊的城市了吧，也算是无奈下的选择，希望只是短期的停留。当一个人静下来不被太多生活的波折干扰的时候才会认真的去审视和思考吧。开始工作后生活变的有规律，也许过于有规律，做的事不多，却有时间和空间去想了很多，关于目前的生活状态和对将来的预想。想的最多的是自己到底想要什么。以前从没觉得想清楚这个问题这么迫切，可能是因为开始工作让我意识到生活的现实了吧。既然工作难免会无聊，至少应该做感兴趣和适合自己的吧，又何必像我这样毫无目的折磨自己，浪费自己短暂的剩余的青春走弯路呢。越来越觉得我是在一个男人的世界里挣扎，不断的问自己真的想要变成野心很强的事业女性吗？为何不找一份不用成天绞尽脑汁networking能全身心投入并能发挥我之所长的工作呢？另外一点就是我所受的世界名校教育的价值何在。除了被人称赞绝顶聪敏外有什么实在的用处吗？生意场上讲的是江湖经验和人际网络，而不是比拼能力和头脑。更可怕的是，名校将我们一个个推入了预先设定好的框框里，Banking, Consultancy, Corporates, Law etc...这些高收入世界知名的名字。我们一个个就这么跳了进来，想着自己没有别的选择，却从未真正去探索适合自己的。再加上父母亲友对我们的期待更让我们觉得不得不选择这些high profile jobs 我希望我能有一天找寻到我的生活坐标，也忠心的希望和我一样迷惘的各位朋友会找寻到。慢慢的开始意识到生活中真的有太多的东西需要自己去把持，比如工作，感情，朋友，每一样都要花很多心思，疏忽不得。虽然我对生活一直有很多期待和憧憬，却总是无法同时处理好太多事情，宁愿一件一件慢慢认认真真的做好，这样也好，生活充实一点吧，不喜欢虚华和浮躁。

230am, in the middle of first OB essay, struggling to stay awake. gosh its such a pain. take me forever...out of boredom, googled my name, 'melia', just out of curiosity. always thought it doesnt actually exist as an english name as i made it up myself in my first english class in nfls. surprisingly, wikipedia gave a full explaination of the origin of this unusual name:

In Greek mythology, a nymph, one of the Meliae, who were daughters of Oceanus. By her brother Inachus, she became the mother of Io, Phoroneus and Aegialeus or Phegeus. In other stories, she was the mother of Amycus by Poseidon. Hesiod's, Theogony (187), tells how the Meliae appeared from the drops of blood spilled when Cronus castrated Uranus.

The Hawaiian word for the plumeria flower, also called frangipani, in parts of Asia.

the second one makes more sense cos thats where my inspiration was from -- 'growing pains'! the hawaiian girl Mike fell in love with and flew all the way to los angelas to meet her. how genius i was at the age of 13? to guess the correct spelling! proud of myself :)

right, back to work!

发现自己每次落脚这里都是在自己情绪最糟糕的时候。每次回剑桥的时候都有一种莫名的惰性，可能跟我总是口口声声在这里没有归属感有关系吧。这次开学不知算不算是来剑桥以来最惨的一次。先是折腾了一周的行李风波，又是大病一场，真恨不得跳上飞机就回家一走了之。mm说的那些道理我都懂，什么不要抱怨环境 ，要努力适应。我都有逼着自己强作欢颜，可总止不住本能的怀疑，给自己找这么多罪受到底值不值得，我是不是真的和这里格格不入。至少我已经打下决心毕业后不会留在英国，继续流浪去寻找自己的归宿，至少去到一个自己可以生活得很舒服的地方，不要再这么挣扎。
感谢身边还有像Ming这样成熟理智的朋友，虽然有的时候觉得他的做法有些冷酷，可也总是他在关键是为我指航，将我从沉沦慵懒的状态中拉出来，一泼冷水将我浇醒。Without her, I will just stay home and be negative. 可能是我一直太眷恋过去了，一只脚还赖在南外那时的日子，用Kid来伪装自己的软弱。承认长大不仅仅是承认年龄上变老,重要的是那份肩上多出来的责任感,尤其对于单身女孩子来说这样的蜕变多少有点凄凉的色彩.可事实既已这样就只能硬着头皮面对了，算是自己不幸运也好,自找苦吃也好,一个无情的现实就是我已没有退路了,再做白日梦也没有用的. Welcome to the real world, Kid. It sucks, you're gonna love it!

when something that violent hits you, you cant help but lose balance and fall. and after you pick yourself up, you realize you cant trust anybody to save you. so what can you do to stop yourself form tilting and falling all over again?

...

 

and later i discovered that maybe it was fate all along, that faith was just an illusion taht somehow you're in control. i found out the most i could have was hope, and with that i was not denying any possiblity, good or bad.

 

----half and half <joy luck club>